Slowburnx's Journals

ugh it seems so pointless

im rly depressed latley, idk why. im always sooo bored. i have plenty of things to do, im just bored of it all since i do the same damn thing every day. i need to get out more.. i do the same things every single fucking day! its so...boring. ugh! tv, the sims 2, buzznet, myspace...its just so borrring now! i wish sumthing different would happen! and i mean sumthing GOOD, coz i guess sumthing different (bad) did happen the other day.. my great gma died. but thats besides the point.. idk it just gets so depressing and boring. and...UGH!

i feel like i set myself up for disappointment.

every second i look at my math homework or even think about math, i just get so mad! in class, im so bored and impatient. and my teacher doesnt even no what the hell shes assigning for homework! and its all just fucking busy work. its stupid. and boring. and fucking STUPID! did i mention how stupid it is? i just get so frusterated, and that makes my dad frusterated. then we both get mad and i end up just totally not doing the hw. then i feel guilty for letting my dad down. i feel like im going crazy sumtimes! so much that i almost wanna bash my head against a wall. and theres no one i can talk to! my bff/cousin melissa is AWESOME at skool and math and shit, she cant get my pain. and whenever i try to talk to sophie she tells me to shut up.

and i NEVER do anything. all weekend...i stay home. feeling lonely and bored. sumtimes i sleep just to pass the time by. sumtimes i feel like my brain and mind are just totally frozen and only my body is thinking, doing what it does everyday. like a fucking robot.

and i like this guy...kinda, i guess. he was in my german class last year, i miss him. his names avary. i never see him anymore. he was funny and sumwhat NICE, unlike most boys i like. there are little chains and ribbons hanging from the pockets on my skelanimals jacket. and when i sat next to him, to would play with them. ya no like what cats do? sorta like that. it was funny :) and he called me "kitty". and one time when i came into german there was a "out of order" note on my desk, and avary told me i couldnt sit in it. hahaha it was fun. when he was walking down the hall to the german classroom, and i was at my locker, he would sumtimes poke my stomach.

but according to his facebook, hes now in a relationship. i didnt relize how much i did like him till i saw that.

i feel like i set myself up for disappointment.

"SCARED. TO. DEATH." DOESNT EVEN BEGIN TO COVER IT.

so, i was doing my math homework. like any other day. then my dad checks his phone. nuthin unusual...yet. he listens to his messages, theres one from my grandma. she lives in texas, as of a few months ago. shes crying and says sumthing like "i just wanted to tell you kids goodbye and how much i love you. and ill see you on the other side" sumthing along those lines. my dad told my mom that my grandma left her a disturbing message. of corse, i asked what it was. he tryed calling her back, no answer. he tryed calling his sisters - my aunts - no answer, on most. he finally got ahold of sumone, and found out my grandma was apperently with her boyfriend, bill. she also left similar messages on my aunts' phones. my cousin allie talked to bill, and he apperently said sum bull shit to her. like she (allie) needs to go back to mexico (she was adopted) and cussing her out. allie also said when she was trying to talk to our grandma, she heard bill yelling at my gma in the background. my dad figured out bills cell number and called him. i was surprised he answered. and by this point, i wanted to slaughter the bastard. i told my dad, in a voice so harsh and cold i could barely reconize it, "let me talk to him". of corse, my dad ignored me, like everyone always does. and bill told my dad everythings fine and theres nuthin to worry about. WTF?! yeah, theres nuthing to worry about, and hell just froze over. didnt you hear? but my dad didnt want to start anything with bill coz then he wouldnt let him talk to my grandma. so my dad just want with it. apperently it was hard to understand my gma on the phone, she was drunk and took a couple to many pills. (this part of my family has A LOT of depression issues and pill overdoses). bill let my dad talk to my gma, and she was saying sum pretty damn crazy stuff. towards the end, it got even CRAZIER. she was saying stuff like "ill see you soon" but i dont think she met she was gonna visit, if you no what i mean. and my dads like "yeah, youll have to come and see us. we miss ya. just dont take any more pills, ok?" and then i think she fell asleep or passed out or sumthing. i hope when she wakes up, shes not thinking these crazy ass thoughts. seriously, i was scared out of my mind. i wasnt crying a lot, mostly just shaking. and to think, just about an hour before this, i was worried about my myspace layout not working!! i guess this was a wake up call. we think shell be fine. sumone, prolly multiple ppl, are gonna check on her tomorrow. i think my grandma should move back to illinious with sum of my family, or here to st. louis, where we can watch her. id LOVE to have to come and just chill at my house for a couple weeks, shes more than welcome. i think weve offered. but i guess she doesnt want to burden us or sumthing. i rly hopes she changes her mind tho!! i was so fucking scared. still am.

R.I.P molly!

my munga and papas cat molly died :( she was older than i am. 18 and a half years, pretty old for a cat. i remember playing with her when i was a baby.. ill never forget her loud meow, or how harry always...attacked her lol. she had to be put to sleep today coz she had a stroke. even if they didnt put her to sleep, she prolly wouldnt have lived till tomorrow..so i guess its btr this way.. she didnt have to suffer. ill miss her tho. she will never be forgotten..

im gonna have to teach that ASS WHIPE sum MANNERS!!!!!!

my mom was taking my dog, norman, for a walk today. she always does, twice a day. then a stupid german shepherd comes charging at them, from fucking no where!! when norman and my mom were minding there own business! my dog was on a harness, not his normal leash. when he saw the idiot dog, he spun around, which spun my mom around also. she fell. norman sumhow got out of his harness, and started running back home like a fuckin bat out of hell. the german shepherd chased him for a little while. i cannot say how glad i am that he found his way home, and didnt get hit by a car or sumthing. but, yeah, my mom fell when my dog spun around to get away from the dumbass dog. my mom was scraped up real good, and crying. there were two teenage boys, who just got there dog. they saw how the retarded dog pretty much like killed everyone! did they give a shit about my mom, when she was bleeding and crying? nope. even tho they were the cause, there dog wasnt on a leash, which is a violation. my mom came home, to make sure norman was safe, which he was. then called the cops. a policewoman came, and went to the house where the retard dog and the rude teenagers live. they were in the backyard, insteed of the front this time....how fucking conventiant(sp)!!! *sarcasm* one teen apologized, but was smirking the whole time! oh, hell to the motherfucking no!! im gonna go to his house sumtime, and...well teach him sum manners. i think ill put my knee to his junk, and fingernails to his face at the same time. so he can either protect his..area or his face, either way he will hurt.

this skool year is gonna SUCK.

i dont have lunch with my bff bitchin brennan!!! D: im not one of those ppl that have to be with there friends all the time, but lunch is the absolute only fucking time i could relax, and not stress and worry. brennan is my only close friend at my skool. sure, i have other friends, but none that could distract me like brennan does. i think i might die! and i dont wanna sit alone and read, i want to talk to sumone, sumone that gets me. damnit! for once, i just wanna have a social life. i dont wanna go to a skool where you have to be a fucking preppy "normal" bitch to have a life! coz thats exactly how it is here. and if yr "weird" like me, you...well, pretty much have to be a slut. trends have officialy ruined my life. i never thought i would get this mad over sumthing like this. i guess its coz i was hoping to get to see sumone during the day that was worth seeing, for once. oh well, my life is worthless, again, ive been there before.

the last part of my childhood is gone, or almost gone. i feel like theres honestly nuthing left but hate for myself inside me.

so my grandma and grandpa (who i call munga and papa, since i was about 2) are looking at condos. there going to sell there house D: that house is the only thing i have left, the only memory i have from when i liked my life. yeah i still have pictures, but its just not the same! and stuffed animals and toys, but my mom sold a lot of my toys. i dont care how awesome the stupid condo is! i dont care if its a two minute walk away from syn gates' house! which, of corse, would be impossible anyway since there staying in this hell called st. louis. when i found out, apperently my sister and my cousin knew. of corse, im the last to no. im not even fucking important enough to be informed! and i bet my littler cousins, will and gracie, dont fucking care! as long as they get expensive toys and stuff, it doesnt matter! and i feel so goddamn selfish, coz everyone else supports there decision. why cant i just accept things are going to change?! i no they will, everything will. but it feels like everything is at one time! why cant i just keep one memory to hang onto thruout the rest of my wasted fucking life?!?!!! i feel sry for all my family that feel obligated to talk to me D: im a fucking selfish bitch, but its to late to change that now. i just wish sumone could see my point of view! it seems like everyone else rly wants them to move, like the house is a piece of crap. its not, its a rly rly rly rly pretty house. i wish that my parents can sumhow buy it, but theres no way in hell wed be able to afford the stupid taxes! when i found out, it felt like the air was taken from my lungs. and the heart was taken from my soul. it feels like im falling to my death, and trying to find sumthing to grab onto, but i cant. and now that i think about it, im a rly horrible granddaughter! my munga and papa are presbyterian and go to church on sundays, im fucking satanic! they want me to like skool and do well in it, which i dont! i want a bunch of weird piercings, which there against. my family never ever ever listens to me, and i cant blame them anymore.

WARPED TOUR!!!!!

warped was yesterday!!! holy shit it was so much fun! i saw madina lake and aiden, and a couple other bands that i forget what there names are. i kept jumping around and sophie was looking at me like i was crazy haha! it was her first show, im not sure what she thought of it lol. when we first got there it was cloudy, but the sun came out WAY to soon! we were rly hot, totally worth it tho. i got sunburnt. especially my nose and the left side of my face. my nose actually looks like i tattooed it red hahah!! at least it doesnt hurt. lol wiL's shirt said i am the devil, and he had a guitar that said fuck religion. lol totally me!!! i dont wanna get into the god thing now, lets save that for another journal. and i got a picture with him!!! :D

i also got his signature, which i might post later. i would have gotten sum pics when the bands were live, but im to damn short :( lol to bad brennan couldnt come, hes pretty tall. but oh well i had fun with sophie. and, soph, if you read this THANK YOU SO MUCH for coming and i hope you werent to miserable or to afraid of wiL haha x) i love you. i also wanted to see senses fail and escape the fate. but me and sophie both felt like shit and left earlier than planned. but, all n all, im rly glad i got the chance to go and it was totally worth it! :D

you no what RLY irritates me?!

ok so i was trying to play ghosts in the graveyard (my 4-year-old brother was dying to) with my cousins. then my aunt and uncle called them in, like 15 minutes ago! but there still here talking about NUTHIN. and my cousins arent allowed to do anything but say bye to everyone about 5 times and wait for there parents. no seriously, there walking around saying "bye...again. i wonder if this is the last time we say bye" lol. it just annoys me. coz its like whats the fucking point?! why cant the kids do sumthing when the parents are sitting around saying about how there leaving, but not doing it?!? they keep worrying about if the kids are ready, when theyve been ready and waiting for...what? like 20 mins! and the parents keep telling the kids about how much they need to go home now. ok, well what are you waiting for?!?!? i dont rly care when they leave, but let the kids do sumthing! its retarded!

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE

i rly liked it!!! i didnt notice lots of stuff taken out, like the others. they did kinda mess up the harry and ginny thing tho.. but when all things considered, it was AMAZING. im not sure if it the the best, its been a while since ive watched the first five. but its definatly close! lol im phuckin obsessed with draco malfoy and tom felton now xD i think i actually said under my breath a time when draco was on the screen, "i wanna rip his clothes off!" haha without even thinking about it! and, of corse, my dad was sitting right next to me. lmao i dont think he heard tho. i will see it again, its to good to see it in theaters only once! - and to see tom felton on that huge ass screen only once! lol. and when we were driving back home, my sister says "dracos ugly" (i no. impossible, right?!) then i say "uhhh yeah not rly". then my dad starts saying "JORDAN LIKES DRACO, JORDAN LIKES DRACO, JORDAN LIKES DRACO" hahaha rofl

but i cant believe my bff/cousin melissa doesnt want to see it! she thinks itll "ruin the series" for her! what the hell?!?! what, she didnt think harry and draco would be as hot as they are??? hahah.. totally off topic, but im sooo sick of her exercising and babysitting! when ever i call her and ask "hey, wanna sleep over?" she says "no, im exercising tomorrow morning". or, "wanna go to the mall?" shed say "cant, babysitting" then if i say "can you go later?" shed say "idk if im babysitting then". its so FRUSTURATING!!!!!!

but, yeah, whoever doesnt like harry potter is a freak!